I don't know what do with her.

I know most my age don't really like their parents but I don't think everyone goes through what I do when it comes to mine.
I probably hate my mother. I know I can't really actually hate her because she is my mother but some of the things she does just pisses me off so much! Especially this one thing and and is the fact that she always cheats on my dad. I don't like it one bit. Oh, and another thing that bothers me about that is my dad knows and hasn't done anything about it. I don't get why he always tells her that she hurt him and yet he is still with her.
So after I caught my mom cheating for the first time she and I weren't on the best of terms (we still aren't but it's a little more calm now). It's beefing several months since then but about a week ago I caught her again. I can't stand it because I know they don't love each other and I feel it's not right that she is taking advantage of my father like that. It's so confusing sometimes as to how I want or need to treat them so it can kind of get overwhelming l. I think this is where I get my depression from.. I suppose it's very possible.
Now, since I caught my mom for a second time I have been treated extremely different...she is rude to me but at the same time it's like she is kissing up to me... Its nice but I don't want to be praised for those reasons.


I am getting a bit sleepy! Gootnight

I wish my life were a fucking video game..

     If you have ever played a video game and you've also made a mistake in your life you probably understand me when I say "I wish my life were a fucking video game". It have messed up my life a lot and I always sit here and think about how things would be if I didn't do certain things. What would my life be like if I was friends with different people? How would my school work change if I always had the motivation I do now? Where would I be in life if my father wasn't in the military? These are just a few questions I ask myself on a daily basis..
     I used to do really great in school but then I started slacking and it got really bad. Now I am doing better but not as well as I would like. I wonder how I would be doing in school now if I was always doing well in school. I know one thing is for sure.. If I could go back in time and guide myself through my life with the knowledge I have today I would do it in a heartbeat. I didn't know how incredibly foolish I was being back then.. I now know that I mess up way more than most people. No one should mess up as much as I.
     I am now six-teen years of age and I am a sophomore in high school. I am currently in a relationship with a man that I love very much and he is seven-teen years of age and is a senior in high school. We go through a lot of fights and I hate it when we do but it is just one of the things that comes with a relationship. There are no two people who will agree on every single thing in the world so no matter what there will be arguments. Those are some of the times I wish I was in a video game. If I messed up something I could pause then restart the day, or the week. Everything would be so much better.
     I have been thinking about this subject for a while now and I am getting tired of it. All I am doing is getting more and more pissed off at myself about how much of an idiot I am for making mistakes. You're probably thinking that I am an idiot for thinking that since everyone makes mistakes but I am making the same ones over and over again. It's like I can never learn..
     Do to the fact that I find it bothersome that I never fix my flaws I wish I was a video game. Not so people can play me.. But so I can simply improve myself. So that I can rid myself and all those affected by the things I do of my nonsense. Wouldn't it be helpful?

A new family.

It has been an amazing year so far..

Starting with New years eve...
For the new year I went with my boyfriend, Matthew, and his family to their house in Arizona. I had an amazing time. I shared a room with Lance, Matthew's brother, and Matthew. The house was so beautiful too! It was clean and new. The kitchen was amazing as well. there were granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and nice dark cabinets. I also got to meet Jeanette's babies (Jeanette is Matthews dads girlfriend). The babies were just adorable. For Dec. 31st, we went to this block party and there were a lot of people there. Around 10 we went back home though because the babies were getting tired and we were all running out of things to do. When we got back to the house everyone went off to do their own things. At about 11:30 we turned on the television to watch the ball drop in NY. I was sitting on Matthews lap when the ball dropped and he kissed me. It was amazing. I had never had a new years kiss and I had finally gotten one from someone I love very much. I couldn't have asked for anything more. After the ball dropped we all went outside with our champagne and sparkling cider and listened to all the fireworks in the neighborhood. Then we went to bed.. I guess it doesn't really sound too amazing but it was for me and that's really all that matters. I was with the ones I love and I had an amazing time.

Now, for a more current event. This weekend was a three day weekend because of MLK day. It was also Matthews cousins birthday so we had plans on going to see the family in Vegas. After school on Friday we were going to leave but we had to wait for Matthew to finish with work. Finally he came home from work and told his dad he couldn't go. I was really upset that he couldn't go but I still went. At first I thought it was going to be really weird because I didn't really ever talk to his family and I wanted him there with me but it was okay because I am like best friends with his sister so I had someone there for me. When we got in Vegas the first place we went was Grandpa and Banois house. Banoi was pretty intimidating at first but I just brushed it off because that's just how she is.. Over the weekend I was able to talk more to Banoi and I became very comfortable around her. I also became comfortable around the rest of the family. I love that family so much and I don't think I could live without them now that I've grown to know them.

I was going to write a lot more but I couldn't think of what it was going to be.. :/
This is the end though. Bye bye.

Sometimes just listening to someone can make them feel one-hundred times better. :)

So, I spent the night with boyfriend and his sister (Matthew and Emily) who seems to me like a sister to me last night. Everything was going okay then I said a few things to make my boyfriend upset and we had an argument. As soon as all of that was going on I went to Emily for help. Emily was having some problems and I laughed with her about them and she helped me with mine too.
It's nice to have someone there you can talk to. I have Matthew but I can't always go to him especially when it him I need to talk about. I go to Emily for a lot of my problems and I am surprised she sticks around for it all. I guess that's what sisters are for. :)
Matthew helps with a lot of things too. I am always feeling so bad about my weight. A lot of girls do. Last night I was sitting in Emily's room and I was talking to her about how I thought I looked pregnant in the picture her father had taken of us on Halloween. It got to me and I almost started crying and she could tell. I tried to leave but she told me to stay and I was for some reason shocked. I stayed and tried to hold by tears and I did. I felt I  should talk to Matthew about this since it was making me feel so terrible. I asked him if I could talk to him and he soon came to me. I told him what the problem was and he made me feel so much better. He had me lay down me on his bed and he sat down and told me how he felt about the way I looked. The things he told me made me feel so much better about myself and I am glad I went to him.
Emily and Matthew are always there for me and I want to always be there for them. They are the best friends I could ever have and I am so lucky to have them in my life. I can't wait til I can legally be a Lockwood.

I love you guys, thank you for being there for me. :')

Just a little update.

6:02PM

Today I went to the clinic on base because I had a rash. The doctor said it was most likely to be hives so there really was nothing to worry about. She gave me some benadryl just in case it came back though. While I was waiting for my meds I saw a very young couple with two children. When I saw them I couldn't help but to picture myself and Matthew in the future. It's going to be an amazing experience and I cannot wait.

I need to start taking school seriously, the past week and a half I have not been going to school as often or as much as I should or would like to. I am trying my best to keep up with all of the work I've been missing but it's pretty hard. As soon as I start going back to school I will try my best to maintain going to school. I really am not looking forward to going back though. Tomorrow when I go to school it's going to be a bit annoying, walking into my science class and hearing my teacher say some smart ass remark about my attendance. I guess I kind of deserve it though.

Speaking of getting back into the swing of school.. I should probably go start my make-up work.. :/

Goodbye!
-Stefanie :)

I needed to clear my head.

Starting at 11:54 PM; Tuesday, September 06, 2011
I have no idea what to type about.. Hmmmm
     At the moment I am on Skype with the love of my life, Matthew.. :)


   Okay.. So, I am currently in my third week of sophomore year of high school. Everything seems to be going great, other than the fact that I have notice my attitude changing very quickly. I am not sure if it's because my dad is currently TDY or if it's because most of the friends I had at only just 3-4 months ago are completely against me. Many things happened and I do not feel I should post them on here because it's way to long.


   Now, I am wanting to change the topic.. For the month of September there are a few important things happening. First, my boyfriend and his little sister are being adopted. Second, on the 18th Matthew and I will have been going out for six months. Our time together has been wonderful. I wouldn't say it's been the smoothest relationship but it's definitely the most delightful thing one could ever imagine. I am so in love with him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I never thought I would ever be this close to anyone but the whole time I've known Matthew I have been a whole new person. Before he came into my life I was depressed and I felt alone. I thought that after my ex, Justin, that I would never be the same. I figured I was scarred because of him. Now that Matt and I are together he has fixed my broken heart and added on to it. If anything were to happen to him I don't know what I would do. I have a DailyBooth and one day I posted about how he made me feel in almost the perfect words::
I love this boy to death. He is my hero. If it weren't for him I don't know what I would do. I hate it when he is sick because she doesn't deserve to suffer. Matthew deserves anything and everything.
He has saved me from doing some of the stupidest things you'd imagine one would do to themselves. Including death. He makes sure I am safe all the time and he puts me before himself. When I am sick or just on my period, he is there for me. He gets me waters and midol/motrin when I need it. No matter how rude I am to him, he understands.
Those times where I am sad and I just need to be held, he doesn't even need me to tell him, he'll come up to me and just hold me.
He is starting is Senior year this year and I am starting my sophomore year. After high school we will be married and Matthew will be in the Air Force. I am afraid for him to be leaving for things such as basic training, tech school, and TDY but those are the things a military wife has to go through and I am willing to do it.
Matthew is my shoulder to cry on. He is my love. He is the reason I get up in the morning. The one that stays up on the phone with me until I fall asleep. He is my hero. I am going to be with him until the day I die because I am so in love with this man. 3.18.11<3
Matthew really does mean everything and I realize that now.. I came on here to post about some people who used to be my best friends and I turned out talking about what really matters in my life, Matthew. I know those of you who are reading this don't really care that much about what I am saying but I started this blog so I could let out my feelings. 
Writing tonight has helped me realize why I am at the point in my life that I am. It has also made me realize that I am in love with Matthew and no one, not even my best friends came or can come in the way of my love for him. 


It's getting late and I want to call Matt so I am getting off of here. 
Bye. 

-Stefanie

Life is good

So many things can happen in one lifetime. To think that I've only been alive for almost sixteen years and to know that this much has happened already is crazy. I wonder what it will be like when I get to be in my sixty's and seventy's. I don't want to rush through life anymore because before I know it I am going to be out of high school. It's going to be so weird, to finally graduate in 2014.. At least I know that I have a marvelous journey with those in my life now.. 

Who knows? Those who are closest to me now may be my worst enimies later. Those who I can't stand now, they may be my best friend later. 

I can not wait to see what the world and the people in it have in store for me over my years to come. 

I guess what I am really thinking about is just how amazing life can be. Life can be a really tough struggle at times. I surround myself with the people that make me happy. Those people, the ones who live all the way across the country, the ones who are just a few hours away, the ones I rairly see, the ones who are there at school with me, the people who have come to my school and had to move away because their mother or father was stationed somewhere else, and that special guy that comes over everyday no matter what... Those are the people who keep me going. 

I love the way things are going for me. I have an amazing family who cares for me. I have the absolute best friends in the world. I have the most outstanding, sweet, and caring boyfriend I could ever ask for..

Like I said eairlier, life is amazing. 

Things always fall apart but they are just making room for something even better to fall into place. 

Thank you, to everyone who has ever cared for me. I don't know how a lot of you guys put up with me but I am certinally glad you have. I've gone through some points in life where I thought I was at the end and there were always a couple people who were there for me. If it weren't for them, I am sure I wouldn't be  here right now. 

I love you guys, thank you for helping me when I thought no one else would.