I still love you..

I have..
• friends that care about me
• good grades in school
• my driving permit
• my parents
• medical insurance
• a good school
• the worlds most amazing teachers/staff
• so much more

All I can think of..
• my ex boyfriend of over 1 1/2 years who is in basic military training for the USAF and wether or not he is going to want to be in a relationship with me or not and what I can do in order to show him that he is the love of my life and that I think about him all the time..

Less than 19 days...

So, my boyfriend is going to be joining the USAF in like 19 days, the reason the title is "less than 19 days..." is because I have less than 19 days with him. I can't believe he is leaving so soon. Time sure has gone by way too fast. We have had very many memorable moments in our relationship an even before then. I have never been in a long distance relationship but we do love each other very much so I think we will be able to handle it.
I hope he does okay in Texas. This is a new thing for him. I know he will be able to handle the physical things because he is in really good shape I know he will miss his loved ones and we will all miss him as well.. He is an amazing guy who cares about and trusts everyone. I love him and wish him all the best in basic. :)

Change is good, sometimes. Change hurts, sometimes.

So, here it is 2012 and things are 100% different than how they were 365 days ago..
One year ago I was doing poorly in school, I was never going to school, I was not involved in anything except for band, I had no plans for my future, I was considered family to my boyfriends family, and I was visiting the Lockwoods practically every day. That has all changed. I have not missed a day of school in a long while, I am actually making a C or higher in all of my classes, I am in AFJROTC and the band, I help out with the drama department, I set a goal to go to college, my boyfriends family hasn't seen me nor have they talked to me for a few months now, I am not considered family either.
Most of this change is wonderful, I can finally see that I am growing up, I can thank Matthew for helping me accomplish that. Some of this change was my worst nightmare. Now the man I looked at as a second father doesn't like my father and so now I am no longer to see my boyfriend or his family unless we're at school. To make all of this worse, Matthew is leaving for basic training in August and he is graduating in a week. I don't even hey to celebrate him graduating with the family. I don't know if anyone knows how much all of this hurts me but it really does hurt more than anything. I feel as if I was kicked out of my own family, and that's pretty much how it was. The Lockwood always cared for me. They took me places, we ate dinner together mostly every night, we laughed together, we've cried together and I was even there for family discussions. I hope someday that all of this will change because I miss them all so much.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012 6:41AM-11:25AM

6:41AM: Got in my ROTC uniform.
6:58AM: Went out to the car and drove away.
7:24AM: Went to Drivers Ed., room 5.
7:50AM: Went to meet Matthew in band, band hall.
7:51AM: Saluted Colonel Sullivan.
7:55AM: Went to History class, room 33.
8:00AM: My cell phone alarm went off.
8:13AM: Played Egyptian war with Stephanie and Pearson.
8:30AM: Took chapter 15 section 1 notes.
9:05AM: Went to Science class, room 10. On my way I saluted like ten different cadets.
9:10AM: Started taking notes on the anatomy of a frog.
9:30AM: Started my frog dissection.
10:00AM: Packed my frog and notes up and put them away.
10:05AM: Left science class.
10:07AM: Meet Matthew for nutrition.
10:18AM: Sat with Matthew in the cafeteria while drinking some Green Machine Naked fruit juice and eating some original Sun Chips.
10:20AM: Went to my Alternative Education class, room 17.
10:31AM: Ms. Petersen gave me 7.5 oz of Chef Boyardee Lasagna. ;)
10:46AM: I cautiously cooked my lasagna in Ms. Petersens REALLY old microwave.
10:53AM: Ms. Petersen gave me a peppermint bark Ghirardelli chocolate square.. I should have gotten the pumpkin spice..
10:55AM: I started eating my Lasagna.
10:59AM: I finished my Lasagna.
11:02AM: I had Ms. Petersen sign my MASH Day permission slip for JROTC.
11:04AM: Sent my cousin a text asking if his schools JROTC did MASH week too.
11:07AM: Started doing my makeup.
11:16AM: Finished my makeup.
11:17AM: Packed up.
11:20AM: Left Ms. Petersens room.
11:22AM: Went to JROTC, room 11 and 12.
11:25AM: Got called to attention, then to parade rest for roll call.
I forgot to say the rest so there you go!

Hey there!

Yesterday my science class started dissecting worms. I was really excited when I found out about it and even when I did it it was very interesting. Today I had to take a test in the worm and the different parts of it, I got a 95%. I suppose I got a pretty good grade but I wish I had gotten a 100%. Tomorrow we start the frogs..
Today was a pretty good day I must say. . .

Thinking.

I have been thinking a lot about everything.. This is a short post.

I don't know what do with her.

I know most my age don't really like their parents but I don't think everyone goes through what I do when it comes to mine.
I probably hate my mother. I know I can't really actually hate her because she is my mother but some of the things she does just pisses me off so much! Especially this one thing and and is the fact that she always cheats on my dad. I don't like it one bit. Oh, and another thing that bothers me about that is my dad knows and hasn't done anything about it. I don't get why he always tells her that she hurt him and yet he is still with her.
So after I caught my mom cheating for the first time she and I weren't on the best of terms (we still aren't but it's a little more calm now). It's beefing several months since then but about a week ago I caught her again. I can't stand it because I know they don't love each other and I feel it's not right that she is taking advantage of my father like that. It's so confusing sometimes as to how I want or need to treat them so it can kind of get overwhelming l. I think this is where I get my depression from.. I suppose it's very possible.
Now, since I caught my mom for a second time I have been treated extremely different...she is rude to me but at the same time it's like she is kissing up to me... Its nice but I don't want to be praised for those reasons.


I am getting a bit sleepy! Gootnight

I wish my life were a fucking video game..

     If you have ever played a video game and you've also made a mistake in your life you probably understand me when I say "I wish my life were a fucking video game". It have messed up my life a lot and I always sit here and think about how things would be if I didn't do certain things. What would my life be like if I was friends with different people? How would my school work change if I always had the motivation I do now? Where would I be in life if my father wasn't in the military? These are just a few questions I ask myself on a daily basis..
     I used to do really great in school but then I started slacking and it got really bad. Now I am doing better but not as well as I would like. I wonder how I would be doing in school now if I was always doing well in school. I know one thing is for sure.. If I could go back in time and guide myself through my life with the knowledge I have today I would do it in a heartbeat. I didn't know how incredibly foolish I was being back then.. I now know that I mess up way more than most people. No one should mess up as much as I.
     I am now six-teen years of age and I am a sophomore in high school. I am currently in a relationship with a man that I love very much and he is seven-teen years of age and is a senior in high school. We go through a lot of fights and I hate it when we do but it is just one of the things that comes with a relationship. There are no two people who will agree on every single thing in the world so no matter what there will be arguments. Those are some of the times I wish I was in a video game. If I messed up something I could pause then restart the day, or the week. Everything would be so much better.
     I have been thinking about this subject for a while now and I am getting tired of it. All I am doing is getting more and more pissed off at myself about how much of an idiot I am for making mistakes. You're probably thinking that I am an idiot for thinking that since everyone makes mistakes but I am making the same ones over and over again. It's like I can never learn..
     Do to the fact that I find it bothersome that I never fix my flaws I wish I was a video game. Not so people can play me.. But so I can simply improve myself. So that I can rid myself and all those affected by the things I do of my nonsense. Wouldn't it be helpful?

A new family.

It has been an amazing year so far..

Starting with New years eve...
For the new year I went with my boyfriend, Matthew, and his family to their house in Arizona. I had an amazing time. I shared a room with Lance, Matthew's brother, and Matthew. The house was so beautiful too! It was clean and new. The kitchen was amazing as well. there were granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and nice dark cabinets. I also got to meet Jeanette's babies (Jeanette is Matthews dads girlfriend). The babies were just adorable. For Dec. 31st, we went to this block party and there were a lot of people there. Around 10 we went back home though because the babies were getting tired and we were all running out of things to do. When we got back to the house everyone went off to do their own things. At about 11:30 we turned on the television to watch the ball drop in NY. I was sitting on Matthews lap when the ball dropped and he kissed me. It was amazing. I had never had a new years kiss and I had finally gotten one from someone I love very much. I couldn't have asked for anything more. After the ball dropped we all went outside with our champagne and sparkling cider and listened to all the fireworks in the neighborhood. Then we went to bed.. I guess it doesn't really sound too amazing but it was for me and that's really all that matters. I was with the ones I love and I had an amazing time.

Now, for a more current event. This weekend was a three day weekend because of MLK day. It was also Matthews cousins birthday so we had plans on going to see the family in Vegas. After school on Friday we were going to leave but we had to wait for Matthew to finish with work. Finally he came home from work and told his dad he couldn't go. I was really upset that he couldn't go but I still went. At first I thought it was going to be really weird because I didn't really ever talk to his family and I wanted him there with me but it was okay because I am like best friends with his sister so I had someone there for me. When we got in Vegas the first place we went was Grandpa and Banois house. Banoi was pretty intimidating at first but I just brushed it off because that's just how she is.. Over the weekend I was able to talk more to Banoi and I became very comfortable around her. I also became comfortable around the rest of the family. I love that family so much and I don't think I could live without them now that I've grown to know them.

I was going to write a lot more but I couldn't think of what it was going to be.. :/
This is the end though. Bye bye.